Your Boyfriend Is Gay! And Other Such Truths.

Four! For! or Fore!

As most of you know, I despise golf.  I have no reason why.  But this comes close to revealing why.

I work with this guy who is a golf fanatic.  He is also a Republican.  I think the two are connected.

I love my neighborhood Starbucks...  there are always such interesting "characters" there.  Today when going in at around noon, was confronted by a group of Goth kids skulking in the corner sipping on Green Tea Frappacinos.  They were arguing over who was the most Gothiest of the Goth.  One of them (wearing fishnet gloves and long black leather coat) and another (in black and white striped stockings and a black ManSkirt) almost came to blows over Marilyn Manson's relative Gothishness.  Clearly, they never even thought about Robert Smith (pre-happy music of course).

It all reminded me of a website I stumbled accross years ago and managed to find again on Goth Hunting.

My mother called me earlier today.  I love her dearly, but I don't want to talk with my dog that they refuse to give back.  He just talks all the time anyway.  I never get a word in edgewise.

That's him.

Praise?

Dateline - 5:55am July 28Th, 2005

Location - Neighborhood 'Buck (as in the Star variety)

While getting coffee at the neighborhood multi-national coffee conglomerate, was confronted with the followig:

Creepy Poorly Dressed Jesus Freak - "Do have a moment?"

Yours Truly - "I was just going in to get some coffee, did you need assistance with something?" (Crap!  Why did I just say that?)

CPDJF - "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour?"

YT - (Oh FUCK!!) "Um...  I am a confirmed Catholic, so yes, I suppose I have"

CPDJF - Has horrified look on face "CATHOLIC!?  The Catholics accept Satan in the person of their "Pope" as their personal Saviour!  You are damned unless you accept Jesus as your personal Saviour!!"

YT - Begins to move into the percieved safety of java joint. "Look.  I really don't have time to argue with you on this.  But I do have a question.  Do you happen to know the other smelly crazy freak that tells us we are going to hell if we buy coffee at Starbucks?  Because you both seem to have the same sickening unwashed stench about you.  And he apparently talks directly to God."

CPDJF - Even more furious than before.  "I AM NOT CRAZY!! I AM A MISSIONARY TO THE HEATHENS LIKE THE LORD JESUS CHRIST!"

YT - Almost in the door. "You mean Saint Paul."

CPDJF - Angry, yet mystified. "Who?!"

YT - Laughing.  "Have you actually read that book you are attempting to assault me with?  Because, if you had, you would know who Paul is.  He was the Missionary to the Heathens (or Gentiles), not Christ."

CPDJF - Actually foaming at the mouth now.  "I don't need to read The Bible!!  Jesus Reads it to me in my sleep!"

YT - "Uh-huh.  Perhaps you should ask him to read it to you in the shower.  Kill two birds with one stone and all..."

CPDJF - "CHRISTIANS DON'T KILL BIRDS."

I honestly didn't have a comeback for that one.  I just went in, purchased my coffee and went on my way to work...

I just enjoy a penthouse view...

My mp3 player is crazy.  I love it, but it's crazy.

It gets on these kicks, you see.  At this time it has played the song #13 from They Might Be Giants 11 times since coming into work.  It's a quirky song, nothing to irritating, but still 11 TIMES!.

It's also been playing an inordinate amount of Divine.

I know what you're thinking...

You're thinking "Listen, Edward, you are the one who loaded the damn thing, it seems that this is your fault.  Quit complaining!"

Speaking of Divine...

Had a hankerin' to watch Female Trouble yesterday and couldn't find my VHS copy.  Who ever made off with it, a warning:

WHEN I FIND YOU, AND I WILL, YOU WILL BE MADE TO PAY BY REENACTING THE CHRISTMAS MORNING SCENE AS MINK STOLE'S CHARACTER TAFFY DAVENPORT!

I know that most of you have no idea what I am talking about and may be wondering if I have finally gone over the edge.  And for those of you that do know what I am talking about are just thinking "Fucking Edward!".

All of that aside...  I have the theme song to Green Acres stuck in my head.  And why not? 

It's the place to be.

Green

I love new cars.

Especially German ones.  Gina G got a new Passat wagon last night and I got to sit in the drivers seat.

Jealous much?!

A dear friend of mine came by last night for a conversation concerning love.  I wish him well in his endeavors tonight as he deserves to be happy and all that stuff.  Our discussion reminded me of someone I was in love with for a very long time (and a very long time ago) and screwed up any possibility of a relationship other than friendship (and even that has cooled off over the years).

I vowed never to make that mistake again.  And, of course, have broken that several times in the recent past (this need suprise no one that knows me).

Other interesting item(s):

It has been reported on CNN that Mel Gibson is set to start production on his new film Apocalypto (a greek word) in the Mayan language (well, actually a dialect that is currently spoken today).

MAYAN!!!

Like torturing us with B-list actors trying desparately to speak Aramaic, Latin and Hebrew wasn't bad enough!

At lease this time he is going to use people who actually know the language they are speaking.

And to make things worse, Disney is set to market and distribute the film!  Apparently Mousewitch (a term used by Disney employees in reference to their working conditions at the "Happiest Place on Earth") is banking on this as some Golden Calf that will suddenly make the edgy or some crap like that.  It seems that they think this 24 karat bovine comes in the personage of a crazy, arch-conservative, bad-acting personage like Gibson.

Well, enough of that!

Wake Up Call

The Conversation listed below took place at approx. 6:05am this morning with one of the more "colorful" (and smelly) elements of my neighborhood.

"God has told me to tell you that he hates Starbucks and your mortal soul is in peril if you go in there."

"Oh, really...  Why is that?"

"They wouldn't let me use the bathroom without purchasing something first."

"I see.  And because of this, God is condeming me for getting my morning coffee?"

"Yes."

"Interesting."

-Enter and obtained said morning coffee at risk of Immortal Soul.

"Um, Sir."

"I don't speak to sinners"

"Indeed, but I thought I should tell you that, while in getting coffee, God spoke to me and said to tell you that you are in peril of your immortal soul if you don't shower.  And soon."

"THAT"S WHAT I WANTED TO USE THE BATHROOM FOR!"

"Well, I suppose we are both damned."

SNAP!

Dynasty.

Got a copy of the 1st Season of Dynasty for my birthday.

Have been drawn to it with Crystal Carringtons face staring back at me almost saying "I dare you to watch.  Give into your Uber Homo-ness and WATCH!"

So far, have resisted.  Haven't even broken the plastic seal.

It would all be over, of course, if it was Alexis starying at me daring me to watch.

This would all be a moot point if it was the first season of Falcon Crest.  Would be staring at the tv watching enthusiastically as Jane Wyman terrorized her fictional tv family and Lorenzo Lamas (one of my first tv super-secret bf's) bearing his naked chest.

Big Car

Yesterday, while sharing a brief social moment with some coworkers, someone let slip that her BF's nickname since high school was HUMMER...

Spent the rest of the day in deep contemplation as to how a straight guy could get the nickname HUMMER.

Am thinking there is a secret there worthy of snooping out.

In other news...

Had drinks with R last night.

Was awakened by the sound of thunder from lightining strikes with in blocks of my pad.  Was just irritated enough to briefly consider going to the roof top deck and bitch at it.

Instead, I showered.

At the Movies

You may think that by the title, the whole weekend was spent at the movies.

That was the intention.

But you would be wrong.  V. V. Wrong indeed.

Saturday:

Spent morning standing in middle of pad with strained look on face wondering why am such a messy 'mo.

Spent the aftertoon with an under-the-weather R (am still amazed that didn't catch cold).  Was supposed to buy either a new bike or air-conditioner.  Neither was had as the one bike that was really wanted, was a little on the pricey side, so have to review funds and begin the rationalization process to confirm if can have.  Considered movie, but lunch was had instead.  Purchased new H.P. book, Tennis racquet and some balls (am not sure when will have time [when not standing in middle of place contemplating slovenly-ness] or someone with whom to play with).

Night was spent with E-da-cop, IRA, and others swilling the liquor.  Other Noah brought his v. cute friend Andrew, but spent the entire night on the otherside of the table.  What was interesting is that E-da-cop and myself were the only ones over 30 and the only other person who got the references to Ethel Merman was the 22 year old straight guy.  You'll be swell, you'll be great.

Sunday:

4 Americanos and one ice-tea consumed at local 'Buck while reading new H.P. book.  Was only interupted 3 times by the crazies & whinos (although a new addtion to the mix, the Jesus-freak, must be added.  Apparently, now there has been some developement in the area, they seem to feel it's safe now to save all the sinners.  Frankly, would be happier just dealing with the crazies and whinos.).  The interesting fact is that at one point I looked up from my reading, only to see the entire seating area occupied with 8 other people all READING THE SAME BOOK!  How fucked up is that?

Am amazed that E-da-cop has never seen the movie Modern Problems.  Will have to fix that and soon.  Doreta must be shared.

Am currently sitting at my desk at work staring at my little poster of the London Underground Tube Map wondering which line am mentally on today.  Am thinking it's the Bakerloo line if only because have never really been sure where it went.

wheels, air, and Fellini

Am debating on getting another air conditioner.

But also want bike (of the shinny new variety).

Feh.

Have tried to sound excited about the new C&CF that has been released on the unsuspecitng public today.

But can't.  It's the Johnny Depp thing.  The still pictures all make him look like a character from a Federico Fellini movie (of which I am convinced Tim Burton is quickly becoming).

Now, while I enjoy a good Fellini movie every once in a while (granted not nearly as much since have quit taking acid), I question whether a neo-Fellini-esque version created by the man who brought us the grossly over done Batman Series is an appropriate vehicle.

Now, I could be completely wrong (I know, it has been known to happen), and the movie could be excellent.  I will find out sometime this weekend and report back.

Now, on an other topic.

Tom Cruise.

Now, I have nothing against the Scientologist movement per se...

BUT COME ON!!!

At least he can say the aliens made him do it when he goes off the deep end.

Or has he already...

I think the bike has won the arguement.

This is the rope. NOW JUMP!!

Lifetime Television for Women and Gay Men has decided to rerun the spin off show of the Golden Girls called The Golden Palace.

Will be checking the Book of Revelations to verify if this is one of the signs of the impending doom of the world...

Am home now after the sojourn in CA working for the man (or women in this case)

Best line heard in the airport on the way home: "Alanis Morrisette is brillant"  A line I find, in any capacity, to be a sign of impending insanity.

Thank you India.

Enjoy the Silence

OK,

What do you think the appropriate response is to the following question asked  by an presumptuous 18year old "man" in the passenger side of a car with a bunch of girls in it to yours truly and fellow coworkers: "Hey!  Do you want to see my ladies Tits??"

Would it be:

A) "I am not going to dignify that with a response."

B) "I am gonna get out of this car and beat you like a redheaded step child!"

C) "Do you think that's an impressive statement?"

D) "Do you realize that you are asking this of two straight women and a gay man?  I have a better idea.  Why don't I show you my cock and you can suck it.  How does that sound?"

Here is a hint: After the stunned silence in both cars, the light turned green and one car drove away laughing leaving another in continued stunned silence.

Sometimes I just love being me!

This is unfair

It is 6:06pm Pacific Time and I am STILL at work in this room with J.A.D., Corporate Lil' Kim, and THE DONNA!!!

Do they not understand that shopping and drinking are in order for this evening?!?!?!  We are, after all, in CA for a reason!  And it can't ALL be work!

Have decided that am going to try and break into the server room and pull some plugs at random to try and get this ball rolling.  Eddie is hungry and in need of a big ol' drink!

Hip-Hop Princess

Having just arrived to work on this shinny-happy California Monday morning, I find a Bank of America version of a well dressed Lil' Kim in the person of Pamela, one of my counterparts I am meeting for the first time. 

A vision in Lavender, she will make the last three days here more bearble.

All that jazz

So...

Let's see...

Where to begin...

Have seemingly perfected the art of missing turns while one's boss is following.

Have completed the Gay Haj (consisting of three circles of Castro and a visit to the designer store of your choice on Post Street).

Beach Blanket Babylon is not all it's cracked up to be (was distracted the whole time by new secret boyfriend sitting next to me, coworker J.A.D. and boss man).

Sierra Nevada is just as bad in San Francisco as it is in Minneapolis.

Best line heard on this trip: "I like Outback better than this place." - Said by poorly dressed hooker-esque girl to her third-rate psuedo straight boyfriend and swanky french restaurant shortly after said psuedo straight boyfriend threw a hissy-fit that his apple slice in his red apple-tini wasn't from a Washington apple.  Because, as he put it, "I know this isn't from a Washington apple because I am from Tacoma and they grow them there".

I have been to Tacoma many many many times...  I have yet to find an apple tree there.

Almost had a mental break down in the Burberry store today (my designer store of choice to complete the Haj).

Was flirted with by what I thought was a Lesbian last night, until I saw the adams apple (of course, the beard doesn't give anything away anymore).

I *heart* BART!  Although they could use a logo makeover.

Tomorrow is Nappa Valley and all the wine I can swill!

J. J. Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt

His name is my name too.

Have often wondered why Gatorade lemon-lime is the color it is.  Not that am drinking it, but the color is just unsavory.

Was at dinner lastnight with J.A.D. and was subjected to some jackass desparetly trying to impress his date.  The odd thing outside of many of the things the str8's say to impress their dates, was that he kept emphasising over and over again how much he played at Pebble Beach Golf Course.  Now, have been to Pebble Beach.  And while it is a nice course (as those things go...  am not a golfer and tend to think it's a worthless sport), am wondering what the need to stress over and over again it's importance.

And good for Spain and the whole marriage thing!  Although our new Pope, was livid, am thinking it was for the best...  Apparently he made some statement that he was thinking of putting the entire country under interdict unless they overturned the law, but nobody seemed to notice or care.

For some reason, am having this vision of him mobilizing the College of Cardinals, placing them in Nazi-esque robes and goose-stepping them around St. Peters Square. 

Am wondering how many would die from the effort it would take to lift their frail old legs in the oh-so-German method of appearing larger than actual size.  If he wanted that look, all he would need to do is make them wear bigger hats.

Dynastic Obligations

On this day 34 years ago at 6:11pm Pacific Standard Time, yours truly popped into existence as a screaming shriveled little person who (according to me Da) looked strangely similar to his father just before he died.

It was all down hill from there...

5 Rings

So, London is going to be the home of the 2012 Olympics...

Stratford to be more specific.

Am wondering what Ste thinks about his home section of London being home to an Olympic Park.

And what will the mascot be?

I think it should be Ste.

'Cause he's cute and smiley.

Eureka!

Have arrived in CA.  Late, as per usual...  Flight to Oakland was delayed out of Denver for a couple of hours as they tried to fix an apparent myriad of "mechanical" problems.

Have come to expect this sort of thing when traveling from one place to another to "do stuff".  Besides, it gives time to reflect and explore the environs of various aerio-ports in this union of states.

Several of the observations from Denver International Aerio-port:

1.  Unlike other places where planes land, Denver offers very little in the way of eye candy.  That is, of course, you happen to like old fat men in scamps.

2.  Denver International Airport has no easy place to observe said eye candy.

3.  There is no Starbucks (or at least one that could be found with ease)

4.  There is no Caribou  (only acceptable second choice to the 'buck)

5.  They let crazies in there.

Will find some time to review the auspices of the Oakland International Airport at A later date.

In other news...

One word.

SPARKS!!!!!

Myspace pays offer once again!  Located yet another old and dear friend through the wonder of the interweb!  How delightful!  -Note for Seth:  Sparkie is one of the finalists in the Who Was The Hottest Man In Edward's Senior Class contest (the one with the mullet).

Must email Scott of Denver.  Someone remind me too.

Also, can now be placed firmly in the column of "Those who know why Boston Market Filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy".

Am considering getting trashed a little later in honor of the turning of another year closer to official spinsterhood.

Packing it in

God I sometimes DESPISE business travel!  Although, this time, am thinking that it may be fun (although the flying out at 6:30am ala escaping-federal-investigators-to-hopefully-live-out-life-obscurity-in-swingin-foriegn-port does not sound enticing...  especially if one is not leaving for aforementioned reason).

Have decided to dislike packing.  Have been tempted to just through dirty clothes in suitcase and have them done at hotel upon arrival.

Will consider doing that as am running about the house like a madman trying to remember if everything is packed.

More on Hate

THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Not only did he say "I don't remember you saying you were going to have a party", but he actually called My Evil Twin and E-Dub in Seattle to see if they could fly out to suprise me at THE PARTY I APPARENTLY NEVER MENTIONED TO HIM so that he wouldn't get run over!!!

And then he has the balls just to drop it all to see that bald veggian freak in Chicago?!?!?!

I will just rent or borrow a "big-rig" to make sure that his destruction is complete.

On a lighter note, I find it alternately horrifying and hi-stare-ick-all that DELTA BURKE is now designing and selling plus sized womens bathing suits!!

Designing Woman indeed!

Total new crush!

OK, have just returned from bar in uptown (although there was much, much debate on whether the place in question was in Uptown or Lynn-Lake).  The place in question was Herkimers (sp).  Hung out with neighbor Kim and friend (Zach was his name), E da Cop, Ira (My Favorite Jew) and several of his friends.  One of these friends is HOT!  David is the name and he is officially my new imaginary bf.

No comments from the peanut gallery as to why I didn't whole-heartedly pursue a twist with him.  You all know me well enough by now to know why.

He is still v. attractive and so my type (even though I don't really have one).

We also went to the CC Club and wallowed in filth.  It was tremendous.

Get the book and quill

Have spent most of the day reading.

And agonizing over what to color to paint the living room.  I know, I know dear reader that I have supposedly made the decision on what color to paint at least five times since moving into this place.  But call me an indecisive 'Mo.  Am leaning towards lavender.

OK, I'm not leaning towards lavender.  I just said that to imagine the sharp intake of breath that most of you have just done.

Watched an engaging doco on the new theory on literal existence of The Garden of Eden.  They took me through this interesting journey of northern Iraq and Iran searching for the valley where the garden most likely was based upon the biblical description in the Torah (note they didn't use the dumbed down and horribly edited St. James edition of the bible).  After 40 minutes of this historical/biblical hunt, they tell you that the site of the Garden of Eden is in a valley currently populated by approx. 100,000 people and is home to a large industrial complex.

Sometimes the irony of it all just gets makes me giggle.

Spoke with a friend from LONG AGO that lives in Yakima WA now.  She is happy there and the rigidly repressed shallow aspect of my personality briefly want to say "Well, I am glad you are happy there, but this means that I can no longer talk to you or admit I know you."

Those of you who live in Washington know why that is funny.

Hate

Apparently a last minute trip to see some bald veggian smurf with limited singing ability is more important than spending time with a friend on his birthday.

First London, now this?!  E-dub was right, he is a prick.

Object

I dreamed last night of a time when I was a kid sitting on a boulder looking out over the Hood River on the farm I spent the first formative years of my life.  I remember feeling completely at ease and happy with the world and all it's delights.  The sunlight sparkling off the fast moving shallow water and the trout swimming up and down.

My sister and I used to catch salamanders in the pools along the river and give them names and life stories.  It is truly one the best happy memories of my childhood before the move to the Pit and all the uncertainty and out-of-place-ness it brought.  I often wonder what my life would be like if we had stayed on the farm, even for another few years. 

The day was good yesterday.  I met with R for coffee in the morning and then futzed around the house until 6:30.  Then went to Kim's (neighbor) for dinner with Christopher (neighbor), Ira and E-da-cop.  E had to leave early to take a shift at the UofM and I had to go to work to pick up the laptop for return to work today before leaving.

Spoke with Stef briefly on the phone, she is going to Chicago this weekend to see some bands and hang with her ex/friend Dave-the-Australian.  I knew this, of course, and am happy that she is getting out of town for the long weekend.  I only mention this as she spoke with David and he has decided that going to see Moby in Chicago on Monday and will be leaving on Sunday evening - probably around the time of my b-day party.  He makes this decision after he says "I'll be there on Sunday".

Had a great conversation with The Evil Twin.  She was in the pit on Tuesday to administer a lashing to the managers there with the backing of the new site executive (who apparently is me in female form - scared of that!)  Was called by Rolf to hang out with him and a couple of his friends for one of their birthdays, and I would have gone if it had not been so late.

I have just come off of taking 4 days off of work to relax and enjoy life, and while I have, I still feel like something (or someone) is missing.

At less than a week from being 34, all I want to do is wade in the Hood River and catch salamanders.